Which Dogs Are You Feeding?

Yesterday was very difficult, 1) because of memories of the circumstances of two six-year-olds being snatched from their homes five years ago (and thank God they were), and that those who abused them rather than cared for them even now stoop so low as to claim them for tax purposes; and 2) then the willful, intentional maiming and killing of people who were just going about the business of their day.  

Every moment is so precious, and we waste so many, going at-after each other for what sets us apart rather than for what brings us together.  (At this point, I am tempted to name names, but my other judgment vetoed the idea.)   You, yes you – you know who you are.  We all attach labels in ways that are inciting and divisive.   Many claim to be followers of The One who came to love, heal and forgive.  Many even attach Him to their transparent attempts to divide:  Christians For _____, Christians Against _______.  Just fill in the blank; you will find labels for both sides of any issue.  That in itself negates the authenticity of the use of His label.  And let’s not forget the Conservatives.  I always wonder what it is they’re trying to conserve.  Is it a way of life where they are always on top at the expense, and by the sweat and efforts of all others who do not look, act, believe or live as they do?  And what about those liberals – you know – the ones that think we need to redefine sin for the twenty-first century, who think discipline of children is an archaic method of torture rather than an act of love, who believe no one and no thing should have any bounds of decorum – in short, who think anything/everything goes.

Why does it take a tragedy of unusual scope for us to just come together, to work together, for the good of the many.  Why must we spend so much time feeding the dogs of jealousy, hatred, lust, exclusivity, carelessness and complacency?  What will it take for the many to see that together everyone achieves more.  What will it take for us to be a team – more often than not?  When will we decide to feed the dogs of compassion, caring, community, and peace?  How much more time must we waste fanning the flames of fires that consume – and destroy – our relationships and our peace?

Which dogs are you feeding?

It's Time

A few week ago, I watched a video shared on Facebook by Kathryn Paterson (watch for her new book -- I don't know when, but just google her every now and then [and, yes, this is a plug for KP]) -- images of surprise family reunions of U.S. soldiers and their families.  If only my ophthalmologist, who recently treated me for an extra-severe case of dry eye, could have seen the tears flow!  They were so flushed out that day that I thought (briefly) of foregoing the evening's eye-wash ritual.  The images themselves not only evoked the tears, but thoughts of how easily we (yes, all of us), take for granted the folks in our lives who mean (or so we say) so much to us.

Similar thoughts came to me on September 11, 2001, when 2,995+ people arrived for work, appointments or errands, at the World Trade Center in New York, for the last time in their lives.  I know of no official count that takes into consideration those who perished sometime thereafter, with the events of that date being the proximate cause of their demise.  My thoughts then, and the ones that continue to haunt me, not only about that situation, but those happening everyday are unanswered questions:  What if?  Did they? Why?

What if a hug was offered that morning and rejected?
What if an apology was tendered and not accepted?
Did they resolve that conflict and depart in peace?
Why didn't he/she/they try one more time?

Why is it so easy for us to tend to the inconsequential while we allow some of the most important aspects of our lives -- our relationships with others -- to languish?  Who/what do you blow off while making sure your nails, hair and/or makeup are flawless?  Or while you find just the right tie, shirt or cologne?  Or who did you disappoint and keep waiting while you had one more drink?  To whom did you utter empty words of endearment just to have your way with him or her?

There is no need for a soapbox speech or sermon here.  One would hope that any marginally thinking person of the least modicum of discernment would have had a light-coming-on experience if having read to this point. So, how about it folks?  Do you have a relationship in need of repair?  Attention?  Nurturing?  Resurrecting?  How much time do you think you have to start working on it?

What if . . . ?
Did you . . . ?
Why . . . .?

Working Through the Mess

What a fitting title for my 100th writing via this blog -- Coming Out of the Closet -- Keeping it Real.  I often wonder what folks think when they first see that title.  Anyway, let's get to the sujet du jour 


Last week I was in my little kitchen, heating some really good, grainy bread -- bread which begged to be drizzled with grapeseed oil and spices.  (Just for the record, grapeseed oil has healthful benefits just as olive oil, but it tolerates higher heat for cooking and is not as heavy-hitting on the wallet.)  As I returned the bottle of oil to the shelf, there erupted an involuntary, violent, dry cough, the force of which caused me to lose my grip on the glass bottle which crashed to the floor and shattered.  In other words, I had my own personal oil-spill crises.  As I took action to clean up the kitchen's environment, two phones rang simultaneously, and my Blackberry vibrated, alerting me of an incoming message.

Working through the mess is -- well -- messy.  Sometimes we have to juggle.  Sometimes we have to just stop and deal with the mess.  Whether we choose to juggle the mess with other stuff or just deal with the mess, one thing is clear:  the mess must go.

Our little lives are fraught with ugly messes.  The longer they are left untended and unfinished, the larger and more burdensome they become, until they become part of the family.  In fact, they can change the family dynamic.  Or the business dynamic.  Or whatever in your life makes life worth living.  Messes are like diseases.  If left unchecked they wreak havoc.  So what mess have you left untended?  Why not clean it up today?


A note from the writer:
Many thanks to Erin Conaway, our Associate Pastor at South Main Baptist Church, whose sermon this past Sunday, taken from the first chapter of Isaiah, validated the weekend urgings of three people whom I admire and respect.  He ended the message with a challenge identical to that of my folks (many thanks to them as well), prompting me to see to a mess that I had left untended far, far too long.  And while I started this blog well before this past weekend, it took the prodding of my friends and a message from the Almighty via Erin, to finish it, for I could not do so until I had worked through  a mess.    

Obstacles: Keeping the Main Thing the Main Thing (Part I)

There's nothing like a good Bible Study to stir the pen. Okay, the keyboard.

I'll keep this short, but first a little housekeeping:

1. This writing is not about bashing your religion.
2. This writing is not about bashing your denomination.
3. This writing is not about bashing you.
4. If you take offense, well, I'll finish this item 4 later . . .

I'm sure you know the story of the woman who always cut a head of cabbage in half, cooked one half and discarded the other, because that's they way her mother did it, and that's the way her mother's mother did it. It turns out that her grandmother did it that way because her pot could only hold half a head of cabbage.

Alright, it might have not been a head of cabbage, but surely you see the message here: Oftentimes we do things out of tradition. At least that's the word that is frequently tossed about as the salve to heal all frustrations spawned by the never-ending question: Why? Why? Why this way and not that? Why?

Earlier this year while conducting a choir rehearsal this exchange took place:

Andrea: You know folks, I only see you a couple of times a year and we have a limited time to prepare for worship, so would you hold down the excess talk so we can get through this?

Male choir member: Well, you know, we have our traditions.

Andrea: Yes, and your traditions might take you straight to hell.

As a child I wondered why we do some of the things we do, especially among our church congregations and in our houses of worship. Why must we wear white on first Sunday? Why must someone plop that little doily thing on my head while I'm playing the communion service? What do you mean I have to cover my head? What do you think that stuff that grows out of my scalp is for? (Not intentionally, but since I tend to move around a bit when playing the piano, that little doily thing often landed on the floor.)

And just a few years ago, my best friend said to me: I'd love to come to your Christmas concert but I just have on a plain dress. My reply: Well, I'm sure you'll fit in just fine. Why was this little exchange so weird to me? As usual, I'm glad you asked. Until recently I suffered tremendously with insomnia, sometimes going for three or four days without real sleep. I decided to try a change of venue and checked into a downtown hotel for a couple of nights. (Checking into hometown hotels was nothing new for me. I did the same thing while in seminary when I had writer's block.) After checking out of the Crowne Plaza, I drove straight down Main Street, and as I approached my Place of worship, and it being Sunday and all, I had a tremendous yearning to attend the 8:30 worship service as I normally do. I parked my Jeep in the usual spot, and approached the side entrance, tentatively, just as our Minister of Music arrived. He greeted me with his normal gigantic smile, eyes twinkling, teeth flashing, and greeted me: hey girl! Come on in here! What was so unusual about that? Girl was sporting a warmup suit and athletic shoes.

The really cool thing is that no one who spoke to me that day gave any indication that I grossed them out because of my attire. They looked at me -- not my togs.

Now, before I dwell on clothing and the reader thinks it's just about fashion, let's move on. Since I promised to keep this short, I'll have to deem this writing Part I, and will end with this:

Traditions aren't all they're cracked up to be, according to Paul in the second chapter of Galatians.

News flash: Not only is it not about tradition, it's not about the rituals. And it's not even about the religion. But it's all about the relationship.

'TIL DEATH?

Here we are again -- another designated day on which we are supposed to be programmed to act a certain way, make or utter certain sentiments, and otherwise lie, cheat and be hypocritical. And with tomorrow being Sunday, the hypocrisy will probably continue -- especially for those phoney church folks (if you're not one [phoney] you shouldn't get huffy or be offended) until Monday morning -- then all hell will break loose again and folks will be their normal nasty, discourteous, ungodly and hateful selves.

Another "Christian" holiday is now taken to the extreme.  Candy, jewelry, lingerie, "for-the-moment" proposals sure to morph into something putrid in 24 hours, cards that cost much too much money, dinners at fancy restaurants that cost some folks a day's pay, something new to wear for the occasion, perfume, blah, blah, blah.  Just one question about all these trappings:  Is there some real love involved here???  Just curious.

Alright -- that was a bit much for an introduction.  And then again, perhaps not.   How many of us get married and stay married -- the first time?  What about the second?   There was an average of 6,000 marriages per day in the United States in 2007.  Yet, depending on whose research you use, 41% to 50% of 1st marriages end in divorce, 60% to 67% of 2nd marriages end in divorce, and 73% to 74% of 3rd marriages end in divorce.   If those numbers are extrapolated, at some point one will get pretty doggone close to 100%.  So, what about the 6th marriage?  Or the 7th?  I suppose by the time one gets to the 7th, the divorce documents should be prepared a within a month or so the marriage ceremony and just kept in a computer file until needed.   (This has actually happened.)

Excuse me -- but do you see a trend here?  I suppose it gets easier everytime you do it -- that is, get a divorce.  It's like having children.  The first one generally involves some really hard, long, intense labor.  (I wouldn't know about that; I did Lamaze training, arrived at Rosewood at 7:30 a.m., had labor induced, and Sweet Pea arrived about 2:30 that afternoon).  But that 3rd or 4th just pops out with little effort.   (Don't know this from personal experience, just talking to folks who've had multiple babes.)

The problem here is that the more people resort to putting asunder what God has supposedly joined together, the more they treat others like used toilet paper.  (I meant to say that -- hopefully it will gross out someone and make one think about discarding one's mate in a callous manner.)  The bigger problem here is that when folks start tossing mates aside like so much trash (or, should I say, flushing them down the toilet?), they have already tossed God out of the mix -- that is, if He was ever invited to the marriage in the first place.

Here are a few suggestions about the "M" word.  Do each other and yourselves a favor:

• if you're doing it just for the romance, DON'T.  
• if it sounds like a good idea, and that's the only reason, DON'T.
• if your motive is anything other than to build a life with someone else for the duration of your own, DON'T.
• if you've done it before and treated it like a temporary assignment, DON'T.
• if you're unwilling to resolve your conflicts quickly, DON'T.
• if you cannot see past doing what you want to do, DON'T.
• if you don't understand the concept of sharing, DON'T.
• if you're doing it because she/he looks good to you, and that's all you can say, DON'T.  
• if you're unwilling to truly invest yourself, DON'T.
• if you think he/she will change, DON'T.
• if you won't share yourself in the most intimate way, DON'T.
• if you think you're both so good-looking that you will produce gorgeous kids, FORGET IT.
• if you're just doing it to legitimize your lifestyle, DON'T.
• if you think marriage vows are not to be lived out, DON'T.
• if you don't love yourself, DON'T.